Always On My Mind
by Dlbn
Summary: Soubi was in his thoughts, his dreams, and his nightmares. No one understood. They never could.


Dlbn: Happy Ritsuka Day everyone!

Nbld: Today is Rikka in the Japanese calendar, which you may recognize as the day that Ritsuka is named after!

Dlbn: So to celebrate, we wrote this very short one shot!

Both: Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do NOT own Loveless or any related characters. They all belong to Yun Kouga

000

Every time he thought about Soubi, it made Ritsuka's head hurt and heart break. The more he thought about the absent blonde, the worse he felt. He would often focus on Soubi when his mother would go after him; preferring emotional pain over the physical injuries his mother was giving him. Whenever his thoughts would drift to Seimei and his alleged death that turned out to be a farce, he'd think of Soubi so he didn't have to relive the pain of his brother dying, and then coming back without a logical reasoning. Whenever homework got to be too hard, he'd think of how Soubi had a slightly easier time with homework, considering all the blonde had to do was paint and he was extremely good. Whenever the bullies at school would bother Yuiko, and sometimes even Ritsuka himself, he would go within his head and imagine Soubi defending them from while he did the defending on his own. If he happened to sense a unit nearby, he'd go into hiding and wish with all his might that Soubi could hear him and come to his aid. Although Soubi never came, he was lucky enough that most units didn't find him.

Everything he thought, everything he said or did or heard…at all went back to Soubi. He couldn't erase the man from his thoughts any easier then he could erase the man from his heart and life. Everything reminded him of Soubi or had something to do with him. And whenever someone would mention his name, whether to him or in passing? Ritsuka would fight so hard to not cry in front of everyone. He'd escape to the park bench where they shared their first kiss and sit there and cry instead. There was truly no possible way for him to escape Soubi. Even when he wasn't physically present, he was there in Ritsuka's thoughts, heart, and memories; and those were things he couldn't get rid of. Well, his memories he could lose, but he wasn't too keen on losing them a second time, when the first time resulted in his mother's breakdown and the daily beatings she gave him for not being 'her' Ritsuka.

Soubi was everything to him. He was his friend, his guardian, his protector, his companion, his assistant, his co-pilot, his acquaintance, his lover…there was simply no one in the world that could ever replace him; not even Ritsuka's real fighter…whoever he was, and if he was alive, for that matter. He was everything and everywhere, and there was no way whatsoever to outrun him and his presence. To him, even butterflies were Soubi checking up on him and letting him know that things were going to be okay. Butterflies always appeared around Soubi for some reason, as though his aura itself drew them close. But alas, whenever Ritsuka saw a butterfly or two and looked around for Soubi, practically giving himself whiplash, he wouldn't find the blonde nearby. After becoming more self aware and what the Zeroes called 'awake', Ritsuka was able to sense other units, or just fighters and sacrifices separate. He searched desperately for another signal, and typically only found the Zeroes, his own, or strangers. Whenever he'd hear someone mention Soubi's name, he'd look to them to see if he was there too, only to find that it was Kio and Akira talking, or Soubi's classmates wondering where he had been for so long.

No matter how much he wanted to, he could never tell anyone where Soubi was. No one would believe that Soubi ran off with Ritsuka's supposedly dead brother, after kissing Ritsuka in the graveyard and begging the preteen to never leave him; effectively doing what he begged Ritsuka not to do. No one would believe that Soubi had no choice but to listen to Seimei because they were bonded so deeply that nothing could ever break their bond? No one would believe that Seimei was a psychotic murderer who needed Soubi to do the killings alongside his true fighter; a thin, frail male named Nisei. No one would ever believe it, even if it was the truth, so he was best to keep quiet.

It was best to not tell anyone what was wrong. Surely, other adults besides his sensei, Kio, and Akira would freak out about him being with a male, let alone with a college student when he himself was only in elementary school. They would say that it was good that Soubi was gone, and hope he never came back or would threaten to report him for being a pedophile. Though, since Ritsuka's ears were real, Soubi didn't look at child porn (that Ritsuka knew of), and that Soubi would never touch anyone other then Ritsuka in that matter in the first place, Ritsuka didn't really think he could qualify as a pedophile. A bit of a pervert? Of course. But not a pedophile.

But no one would understand. Not his parents-though he'd never tell them anyway-, hot his friends, not his teacher, not Kio and Akira, not the Zeroes, not Septimal Moon, not other units, not his therapist, not any other adult, nor any other teacher could ever understand what he was going though. Sure, they knew about unrequited love and broken hearts, but none of them could understand the bond between Soubi and Ritsuka. The Zeroes could understand the fighter/sacrifice bond, yes, but that was all. They couldn't understand the bond that Ritsuka and Soubi had together as friends, lovers; as two people who cared deeply for Seimei and were willing to lay their lives on the line for him. As two people who wanted nothing more then to be together, but destiny decided to b cruel and always wanted to tear them apart. No one could understand. Even Ritsuka, and most likely Soubi, didn't completely understand it.

But until the day Ritsuka could understand, accept, and tell someone else about it, he would be forced to suffer in silence. Until he understood, or Soubi came back to him.


End file.
